Impossible Love
by alyssacousland
Summary: Secret Santa challenge for the Thedas United group at Facebook! Cullen and Amell pairing: She was a mage and he was a templar. Their love was impossible...or was it?


_**This is a gift fic for the Secret Santa event that we organized over at Thedas United, a Facebook group of people who love all things Dragon Age! I got Morrigan21 in the draw (her FanFiction handle) and she had asked for a fic/drawing that involved an Amell/Cullen pairing. Since I can only draw stick figures, this is what I came up with. I hope you like it! MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D **_

Impossible Love

The breeze felt good on his face after being cooped up in a training room for so long. He took in the sights of the countryside as they marched along the dirt road, careful not to step on any puddles that would ensure a sharp reprimand from his Knight-Captain.

"A templar should look spotless at all times and take good care of his armor. Remember that your armor may very well be what will protect you from a deathblow. Keep your weapon and shield clean at all times! A rusty shield will ensure you are no longer protected the way you should be! A rusty sword will _not_ bring your enemy down quickly!"

The words of his Knight-Captain rang in his ears as they trudged along, but he couldn't stop a smile from slowly tugging at the corners of his mouth. He had finally been assigned to Kinloch Hold. Years of training had come to an end and he was heading towards his future. A future he had longed for since he was a child.

_Mama, I'm going to be a knight! I want to protect others! _

They stopped to set camp in the forest south of Denerim, close to the river. The men said little as they prepared for the night. Cullen set up his tent quickly and took a rag and whetstone out of his backpack. He began to work on his sword and shield. It wasn't that they needed any cleaning, but he knew very well that his Captain would be checking his weapon and armor later.

He was done before his companions and glanced at the other two templar recruits that were travelling with him. They had brought enough provisions that would last the entire journey, but he didn't much fancy cold meals. Fortunately, Roric, who was in charge of the cooking, had thought to bring vegetables and spices and was already making some vegetable soup in a cast iron pot over the fire. He knew Roric enjoyed cooking and wondered briefly if he came from a family of innkeepers.

There wasn't much he really knew about his peers – he was a shy person and didn't have many friends. He _did_ know that most of the recruits had lived in the Chantry their whole lives before being sent to the templar barracks in Denerim. His eyes travelled to the other templar recruit who was warming his hands at the fire. He knew nothing at all about him – a bloke who called himself Ferdinand. He had, however, heard him speak loudly back at the templar barracks in Denerim and didn't like him much. He was always boasting about how he would enjoy killing mages whenever the occasion arose.

"Mages aren't people like us. They can kill us very easily if they want to! They deserve to die!"

Cullen frowned slightly at the memory. Once he arrived at Kinloch Hold, he would be watching over the mages there. Even though most of the templar recruits agreed with Ferdinand, he believed mages _were_ people and didn't think he could ever kill a person just because they were born with magic.

No. That wasn't something he thought he would ever do.

…

The first time Cullen saw her, it was a normal day just like any other. He had been sent to watch over the apprentices in the main hall of the tower as they studied in the library and walked along the circular hallways to their classes. He was standing next to one of the entrances to the vast library and was thinking about nothing in particular, when his eye caught movement and he turned his head.

She was smiling to herself as she reached for a book and his eyes widened slightly as he took in her delicate features: an upturned nose and long lashes, and a soft smile on a translucent, porcelain-white face. Her pale, blonde hair was wrapped up in a hasty bun and several strands had escaped the tie and framed her face. Her cherry-colored lips moved slightly as she read the title on one of the books and she turned away from him to move towards the next section, intent on going through the tomes there.

A patch of sunlight illuminated her as she walked and hit the crown of her head. Cullen felt his breath catch in his throat, for it was a lovely sight to see. The shine and brilliance of her hair reminded him of moonbeams – magical and soft – dancing across the room.

His eyes involuntarily swept over her figure and he felt a blush color his cheeks as he noticed her small waist and envisioned putting his large hands around it, pulling her to him in a passionate embrace. He felt his heart hammering in his chest and struggled to control himself – desperately trying to think of anything that would take his mind off the thoughts that were rapidly flooding his brain.

_Those who oppose thee _

_Shall know the wrath of heaven._

_Field and forest shall burn,_

_The seas shall rise and devour them,_

_The wind shall tear their nations…_

He stopped reciting the Chant and opened his eyes. The girl was now struggling with a pile of heavy books, trying to get them to a nearby table. Before he could think about it, he had crossed the room and quickly grabbed the books, mumbling a quick "Here, let me help you."

The girl looked up and Cullen felt his heart perform a neat little somersault.

"Thank you so much!" she breathed in a musical voice with a soft smile playing at the corners of her lips.

He blushed again at this and set the books on the table with such alacrity; two of them toppled down and fell off to the floor at his feet.

The thud echoed throughout the quiet library and some of the apprentices nearby lifted their heads briefly to look at them, but quietly returned to their books after a few minutes. Cullen scrambled to reach the two fallen books and return them to the table and was rewarded with a bright smile and shining deep, blue eyes looking at him intently when he was done.

"I – um – " he stammered. "…happy to help!"

She laughed softly and he chuckled, but they were quickly shushed by a Senior Enchanter who was standing next to one of the bookcases with a frown on her face. Cullen took a couple of steps back, now feeling his blush extend to his neck as he stared at the older woman for a few moments, thinking of turning to walk away. Before he could, the girl grabbed his right gauntlet, which made him pause. She then leaned forward slightly, the whisper from her lips filling his heart with a joy that both confused and enthralled him.

"My name is Solona Amell."

…

They became friends, meeting quietly and talking about their past lives at the beginning. He learned that she had arrived at Kinloch Hold when she was ten. Her mother had been nobility in Kirkwall, so she had tried to keep her away from the templars and the Chantry. They had moved to Amaranthine in Ferelden to escape templar scrutiny, but Solona then told him that she had been seen healing an injured dog in the market square. The templars had arrived to their house soon after and brought her here.

They spoke for hours, happily enjoying each other's company, until the rumors of Cullen favoring a mage started. When the rumors reached the Knight-Commander ears, Cullen received new orders to stand watch right next to the First Enchanter's door. Solona never visited the First Enchanter. She had no reason to do so. Cullen lasted about a week straight without seeing her and then decided to stroll around the long winding hallway towards the library and back if only to catch a glimpse of her. He realized desperately that he had to see her as much as he had to eat or breathe.

He ran into her the very first day he had decided to leave his post. The happiness in her eyes had been enough for him to realize that she had feelings for him too and she smiled up at him as they darted into an empty room.

"I've missed you," the words tumbled out of her cherry lips.

She was standing so close to him, he felt his heart hammer inside his chest. Surely, she could hear the infernal racket it was making!

Solona sighed dreamingly as he leaned forward and she tilted her head back, meeting his longing gaze with half-closed eyes. Her lips captured his in a hungry kiss that made his head spin. The blood that had rushed to his cheeks now raced downwards and he hummed when he felt the passion overtake him with such an intensity it threatened to overwhelm him. Her lips parted and her tongue swept shyly across his lips seeking entrance, and he gave a half-cry as their kiss deepened.

When they came up for air, they were both smiling. He rested his forehead against hers and felt the joy surging throughout his body. He had never felt this way before.

"I'm to go through my Harrowing tomorrow," she said in a quiet voice and his grip tightened slightly at her words.

"I know you'll do fine." He kissed the crown of her head and then smiled down reassuringly at her.

"I expect to do fine, but if I don't –" she trembled slightly and he pulled her closely to him again, his right hand caressing her head and raking through her hair as he shook his head.

"Don't say things like that. We'll talk tomorrow after your Harrowing, you'll see," he smiled brightly and she nodded, her dark blue eyes sparkling up at him.

"We can meet here," she suggested and he nodded at her words.

"Tomorrow after your Harrowing, then," he confirmed, forcing himself to smile and look carefree, when in reality the fear of losing her was creeping into his heart.

They kissed again quickly and then she was gone. Cullen caught his breath and the Chant of Light came to his head as he prayed silently that everything would be all right. The Harrowing was a test for the apprentice mage in order to become a full member of the Circle. The mage in question would be sent into the Fade and meet a demon there. The apprentice would then have to resist temptation and refuse any offer of possession the demon made. If the mage failed, the templars would slay the mage on the spot.

His Solona would not fail. Cullen finally reached his post next to the First Enchanter's office and stood there quietly; the verses of the Canticles racing through his brain as he struggled to put his worry and fear aside.

She could not fail! Maker help him if she did!

…

"You wanted to see me, Knight-Commander?" Cullen asked as he stood stiffly in front of Knight-Commander Greagoir's desk.

"Yes, Cullen," Greagoir replied looking up at him from his desk. "A mage will be going through her Harrowing. You are to watch over her."

Cullen's eyes widened slightly with surprise and his fearful gaze met the Knight-Commander's and held.

The Knight-Commander looked down at a stack of papers on his desk and continued talking in a brisk, cold tone. "You will be the one to kill the mage if she doesn't pass her test. Do you understand what you have to do or do I have to repeat myself?"

"I understand, Ser," Cullen replied, keeping his voice low as he struggled to control his emotions.

"Good," the Knight-Commander said tersely, his cool gaze now on Cullen. "That will be all. You may return to your post."

Cullen hoped to find her as he walked back to his spot next to the First Enchanter's office. The dismay and fear he was feeling were almost unbearable. If Solona failed her Harrowing, he would have to kill her as soon as she awakened. He felt the tears coming and struggled to control himself, the fear of losing her now tenfold.

Their love was impossible and forbidden. He was a templar and she was a mage. And by this time tomorrow, he could very well become her executioner.

_Maker, though the darkness comes upon me,_

_I shall embrace the light. I shall weather the storm._

_I shall endure._

_What you have created, no one can tear asunder._

…

Solona Amell lay before him, her eyes shut. He had his sword drawn and he was kneeling over her. The Harrowing chamber was quiet, even though both the Knight-Commander and the First Enchanter were there, along with four more templars. She had been given lyrium and was now in the Fade, facing the Maker only knew what.

He felt like dying. Surely, he _would_ die if he had to kill her. The sweat began to form on his brow as he knelt in front of her quietly, his hand grasping the hilt of his longsword tightly. The minutes slowly trickled into hours and she still lay silent before him.

He prayed fervently to the Maker. He prayed for her life. He prayed for a good outcome – for her victory. He prayed for the Maker to guide his hand.

Then, she was finally awake and it was over. Both the First Enchanter and the Knight-Commander approached her and asked her a great deal of questions. Once they were satisfied with her answers, the First Enchanter proclaimed she had passed her Harrowing and the relief he felt as he helped her stand was the sweetest feeling in the world.

She was so exhausted and confused that the First Enchanter cast a sleeping spell on her and Greagoir ordered her to be taken to her quarters. Cullen sprang to attention as the Knight-Commander barked his orders.

They carried her to the apprentice quarters and put her on her bed. Something white fell from her pocket onto the floor and Cullen bent down quickly and picked it up. Before anyone else could see what he was doing, he shoved it into his pocket and left the room.

…

He was standing next to the First Enchanter's office when the Grey Warden arrived at the tower. Cullen actually heard the rumor that there was a Grey Warden in the main hall from one of the senior mages walking past him towards the library. Moments later, he saw a dark-skinned man with a beard entering the room. He overheard their conversation – it seemed that darkspawn were attacking the south, and the King's Army had already gathered at Ostagar.

A few moments later, Knight-Commander Greagoir passed Cullen, walking into the room where he greeted the Grey Warden, whose name was Duncan. Cullen then heard Duncan telling them that he thought the increasing darkspawn attacks could only mean one thing: the beginning of a Blight. There were few Grey Wardens in Ferelden, so Duncan had come to Kinloch Hold looking for recruits.

Then he saw Solona approaching the First Enchanter's office and smiled at her. She was wearing the golden-yellow robes that identified her as a mage. They couldn't talk to each other, because she had been called to the First Enchanter's office to meet with him. But they did smile at each other and Cullen managed to whisper that he would meet her later at 'their place'.

Things happened quickly afterwards. He saw her escorting the Grey Warden to his room. He then saw her running about. Something had happened and he heard parts of her conversation with Irving, but he didn't understand what was going on. The First Enchanter was asking her to keep an eye on another mage – an apprentice – and to help them capture him. Irving believed this apprentice was a blood mage.

The last time Cullen saw her, she had stopped for a few moments to talk to him before running back to the Chapel. She looked concerned about what Irving had asked her to do.

"Please, be careful," Cullen whispered.

"I always am," she replied with a smile. "We'll meet afterwards, I promise."

But there was no afterwards. Solona, along with the apprentice mage Jowan and the Chantry sister Lily, had broken into the repository and destroyed Jowan's phylactery. On their way out, Greagoir, Irving and three other templars had stopped them. The sister had been sent to Aeonar, the mage prison. Jowan had used blood magic to escape. And Solona…Solona had been recruited into the Grey Wardens.

The agony of her gone dug a wound in his heart that nearly pushed him to the brink of insanity. Cullen flung himself into his duties and recited the Chant whenever he felt the tears coming. He spent his nights weeping silently into his pillow and dedicated himself solely to his templar duties.

Then Senior Enchanter Uldred returned from Ostagar and all hell broke loose.

Literally.

…

Cullen continued to pray fervently, rocking back and forth, the tears pouring down his cheeks.

"I _will_ resist! I _MUST_ resist!"

Four blood mages cackled around him, and then began to shake. Cullen looked around desperately for his sword, but it had been taken from him. One of the blood mages turned into an abomination and growled as it lunged toward him. Cullen gathered up all the strength he could muster and screamed as he let out a smite that sent two of the blood mages flying through the air and the abomination burst open splattering bloody gore everywhere. The smite took a lot out of him and Cullen fell to his knees, knowing full well that if his odds didn't improve, he was a dead man.

_Maker, please help me!_

He immediately knew he had a fighting chance when he realized that the two blood mages had cracked their skulls against the far wall and died instantly when the holy smite had hit them. The remaining blood mage stood defiant, his glaring eyes fixed on Cullen. He raised his hands to the heavens, but Cullen knew he was not praying to the Maker.

A desire demon appeared right next to the maleficar, and she smiled at Cullen as she advanced upon him.

"I know what you want," the demon spoke, her tone caressing and seductive. "I know you want…HER. You want her back. You want her with you. You want to love her, don't you?"

"_Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter_," Cullen recited, his eyes closed tightly.

The desire demon screamed as she performed a cursed dance, which knocked him down, but Cullen scrambled back on his knees again.

"_Blessed are the righteous, the lights in the shadow._

_In their blood the Maker's will is written_!"

At that moment, the whole place grew dark. From the far wall he saw Solona Amell emerge, dressed in a flowing white dress. Cullen swallowed and blinked, the yearning in his heart unbearable as she slowly advanced to where he knelt.

"Cullen, my love," she said in a low, sultry voice. "I have missed you…"

…

Two weeks later, Solona Amell arrived at the Circle Tower, her heart in her mouth when she saw what had happened to the place she had once called home. She went in with Alistair and Leliana, determined to kill all the abominations and met Wynne along the way.

The four of them fought and killed every single demon, abomination and blood mage they could. They faced a sloth demon and were sent to the Fade, but Solona managed to navigate the Fade and release her companions who were imprisoned there and together they fought the sloth demon and killed it.

Once they arrived at the hall where the stairs to the Harrowing Chamber were, they found Cullen trapped behind some kind of magical barrier. Solona tried talking to him, but he wouldn't listen to her at first.

"Be gone, vile demon!" Cullen yelled. "I will not submit!"

"Cullen!" Solona cried. "Don't you recognize me?"

"All too well," Cullen replied with his eyes shut. "I will _not_ let you possess me! You have crawled into my inner thoughts and feelings, but I will not submit! I command you to cease tempting me with her, the one thing I long for most in Thedas!"

"Cullen," Solona said softly. "It's really me this time. I'm really here."

"Ah! Why are you still here?" Cullen said as he stood, his brow furrowed. "It's worked before!"

"It's really me, Solona," the troubled mage replied, her eyes sad, her pretty brow furrowed with worry.

"Solona!" Cullen whispered when he realized she truly stood before him. "Why are you here? Why have you returned?"

"I've come to help. We've been killing all the abominations and blood mages in the tower," Solona replied. "Please tell me where the rest of the mages are, Cullen."

"You cannot save them!" Cullen said, realizing at once what Solona wanted to do. "They're evil! The demons have probably possessed them all! You must kill them!"

Solona blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall. "I won't harm an innocent just because he could be a blood mage. I will save them all. You included, Cullen," she whispered, the pain in her heart tenfold when she realized how much he had changed. The Cullen she knew and loved would have never considered harming another mage just because he could be possessed.

"You must kill them! All the mages must die! You don't know what they've done – what they've become!" Cullen practically growled back, the scowl on his face making her take a step back. It was fortunate he was behind a magical barrier, because Solona felt he would have lunged at her and run up the stairs to kill the rest of the mages.

"Stay safe," she whispered. "It will be over soon and everyone will be saved. Including the mages," Solona said firmly as she turned to face the stairs leading up to the Harrowing Chamber.

"Maker turn his gaze on you, Solona," Cullen called after her. "I hope your compassion doesn't doom us all!"

…

She had saved the circle. He wanted to kill the remaining mages once he was free, but the Knight-Commander did not listen to him. He felt angry and lost. So many innocent people dead because of one power-hungry blood mage. Cullen watched Solona turn to leave and he felt his heart break into a thousand pieces. He had lost her forever, then.

Before she could open the door, she spoke to her companions and turned to face him, walking up to where he was, her dark, blue eyes fixed on his face.

"I will never forget you, Cullen," she whispered. "Please don't judge all mages equal. Most of us are good people. Please, try to believe this…"

Cullen said nothing to her for the first few moments, then he sighed and shook his head. "I cannot believe anything right now, Solona. Not even you. I'm sorry."

"Then you are truly lost to me," Solona replied sadly. She lifted her hand and caressed his cheek lovingly and turned to go. This time she opened the door and left.

And the sound the huge door made when it slammed shut echoed through his very soul.

…

Cullen received orders to travel to Kirkwall not long after that. He had been promoted to Knight-Captain after his terrible ordeal in Kinloch Hold and answered to Knight-Commander Meredith. She was especially pleased that her Knight-Captain held such a deep resentfulness towards the mages. He was just the kind of Knight-Captain she needed.

Cullen trained new recruits and helped the Knight-Commander capture apostates. He was past all feeling and emotion. The only thing that fueled him was his duty and his sense of honor. He looked upon the mages with great suspicion and anger. He prepared for any attack from demons as best he could, taking an extra dagger with him everywhere just in case. The way his sword had been taken from him at Kinloch Hold angered him. He would _not_ let that happen to him again.

A year in the Kirkwall gallows passed quickly. Cullen slowly overcame his sadness and bitterness. He would fall asleep thinking about her. He would dream of her in the Fade some nights, and he wondered what had become of her.

He was on his way to the Chantry to pray one day when he unwillingly overheard three Chantry sisters talking.

"The Blight is over! They say the Hero of Ferelden killed the Archdemon."

"Really? That hero must have been a great, strong warrior, then!"

"No, she was a mage," the sister who had spoken first said. "Imagine that! A mage killed the Archdemon and saved Thedas from the Blight!"

"The Maker truly works in mysterious ways!" Another Chantry Sister added with a smile.

Cullen turned to look at the Chantry sisters, his eyes wide with surprise. He approached one of the girls and stood before her. "Excuse me, Sister. Did you say the Hero of Ferelden was a mage?"

"Yes. There's talk that she came from Kirkwall. But that must be a rumor, because she was put in the Circle of Ferelden."

Cullen nodded, confirming at once that they were speaking of Solona. He knew her mother was an Amell from Kirkwall, so everything they were saying made perfect sense. His lips twisted into a smile and for the first time in a year, he felt truly happy about something. His Solona was the Hero of Ferelden.

"It's a shame what happened to her," the Sister then added.

"What do you mean?" Cullen asked in a worried tone, his smile vanishing.

"Didn't you know?" the woman replied as she looked up at Cullen with a surprised expression on her face. "I thought everyone knew! The Hero of Ferelden died when she killed the Archdemon."

Cullen felt his world come crashing down. The shock was so great, he took a few steps back and the color drained from his face.

"Knight-Captain!" the girl cried out in alarm. "Are you all right?"

He pulled himself together and nodded, a profound sadness invading his heart making it impossible for him to speak. He slowly turned and walked back to the barracks, reaching his room a few moments later. He took off his armor and collapsed on his bed.

Then the tears came.

…

The numbness he was feeling kept him from sleeping that night. He felt dead inside. He would never see her lovely smile again – he would never be able to tell her that he loved her. A sob escaped his lips and he started crying once again.

When the sun rose the following day, he wiped his tears with the white handkerchief he had picked up from the floor of the Apprentice Quarters in Kinloch Hold so long ago. He turned on his side, unable to gather his strength to face the new day. There was a knock on the door and one of the templar recruits entered the room.

"Knight-Captain, Ser," the young recruit said nervously. "We are waiting for you at the training facility."

"I – I am indisposed today," Cullen managed to say after a while. "Make sure the men practice and study their handbooks. Please leave me."

"Yes, Ser," the recruit replied, leaving the room in a hurry and shutting the door behind him.

Giving a cry, Cullen pressed the white handkerchief to his mouth and fresh tears streamed down his cheeks. He lay there crying quietly until he finally fell asleep.

The handkerchief he had been holding fell to the side onto the pillow – the name 'Solona' had been neatly embroidered in bright red on the right corner.

_The Veil holds no uncertainty for her,_

_And she will know no fear of death, for the Maker_

_Shall be her beacon and her shield, her foundation and her sword. _

...

The grey morning brought the light of the new day over the gallows courtyard. Cullen stood at the base of the stairs that led to the fortress, his eyes watching over the mages as they walked past him. Turning his head towards the merchants' stands, his eyes caught movement and widened – his mouth opening slightly as he caught his breath.

A lovely young woman was making her way to where he stood. Her hair was the color of midnight, dark and shining, but her eyes…her eyes were the eyes of his –

"Hello. I'm looking for someone and was wondering if you could help me? My name is Hawke."

…

_**A/N: The verses used in this fic are taken from the Chant of Light: Canticles of Andraste, Trials, Benedictions and Transfigurations. **_


End file.
